When the Monster Looks Human

The idea for this article came to me after watching a well-known figure carry out what he called “revenge” on those he believed had wronged him.

The truth about narcissism is this: a narcissist will always feel wronged when they are not praised or placed in the spotlight.

Some of this understanding also comes from personal experience, relationships I lived through before I began to understand myself more clearly.

Living through narcissistic abuse leaves scars. It is emotionally draining. You learn to shrink into the shadows so you won’t be seen. You keep your successes to yourself to avoid being belittled, called stupid, or told no one cares what you have to say.

Gaslighting becomes a tool, used to distort facts and make you question your own reality. Meanwhile, behind the illusion, there is often a small, insecure person who tries to elevate themselves by diminishing others.

Their lack of empathy leaves you feeling alone, especially when you need care the most. I remember having severe pneumonia, and my then-husband chose to go play music, choosing the spotlight over staying home with his very sick wife. This, even after he had learned of another musician whose wife had died while he was away performing.

A narcissist needs constant validation. Their hunger for admiration is relentless and exhausting. Over time, you begin to disappear, becoming little more than a shadow in your own life.

You learn to walk carefully. To soften your words. To avoid triggering the anger of the imagined “god” they believe themselves to be. Their manipulation is subtle and persistent, until you begin to doubt everything, including yourself.

They isolate you, cutting you off from others so you become dependent on them. Yet when you need something, they respond with anger because, in their eyes, you are not worthy. And if they do something kind, it often comes with strings attached, ready to be used against you later.

Then comes the cycle: love bombing followed by withdrawal or criticism. A constant emotional rollercoaster designed to keep you off balance. Equality is never the goal. Control is.

They rarely take responsibility, unless it benefits their image or feeds their need for attention.

Living with a narcissist changes you. You may walk away carrying depression, anxiety, and a deep sense of losing who you once were.

For me, it took months before I could even step back into the bedroom we had shared. It took much longer to rediscover the person I was meant to be. I stayed away from relationships, first out of fear, then out of a need to protect myself.

The drama became too much to bear. But in the silence and space that followed, healing began. Slowly, a shattered heart and fractured mind started to mend.

My self-esteem had been dragged through the mud, left to wither in the stubbled remains of what I once believed was love.

When the marriage ended, I was a shattered person, moving through life on autopilot. People told me I was strong, one of the strongest they had ever met. But inside, I felt like nothing more than dust and broken pieces.

Eventually, I began to rebuild myself. Not into who I was before, but into someone new.