The Hobbit’s Tale · March 17, 2026
The Hobbit Who’s
Had Enough
A “crankified” Hobbit is not one to mess with after she’s tramped the fens and hills!
I’ve tramped the hills and mucked the fen,
And dealt with dwarves and wizards too.
But now I’m back in Bagshot’s glen,
With far too much of “this” to do.
The pantry’s light, the tea is thin,
And I’ve a stone inside my shoe.
I’ve searched the nook and checked the bin,
For things that simply won’t “accrue.”
The “Golden Age” is but a sin,
A tale for Tooks and suchlike crew!
I’m “crankified” from toe to chin,
And frankly, I have had with you!
The Crankified Hobbit’s Guide to Ignoring the Housework
The “Eleventy-First” Rule
If a chore hasn’t been done in eleven days, it clearly doesn’t want to be done. To force it would be an invasion of the object’s privacy. If the vacuum cleaner is hiding, it is likely on a “secret adventure” of its own. Let it go.
The Strategic Second Breakfast
Housework requires “Vigor,” and Vigor is a finite resource currently being hoarded by the Goblins. The only way to reclaim it is through a series of increasingly elaborate snacks. If you are standing, you are burning Vigor. Sit. Eat a scone.
The “Proudfoot” Defense
If anyone (or any wandering Wizard) knocks on the door asking for help or suggesting a “light dusting,” simply shout “No admittance except on party business!” and then clarify that “Party Business” currently consists of you, a foot bath (if found), and a complete lack of trousers, or skirts as may be.
The “Riddles in the Dark” Method
If you cannot find the item you are looking for, it hasn’t been “lost,” it has been enchanted. It is currently invisible. To look for it is to play into the hands of the Enemy. Wait for the enchantment to break, which usually happens the moment you buy a replacement.
The Mathom-House Strategy
If the clutter becomes too much, simply declare your living room a “Mathom-House” (a museum for things Hobbits have no use for but are unwilling to throw away). You aren’t “messy”; you are a Curator of Chaos.
“I don’t know half of this laundry half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of this dusting half as well as it deserves!”